Purim Play
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Narrator: In the third year of his reign, King Ahashuerus made a feast unto
all his princes and his servants; the power of Persia and Media, the nobles
and princes of the provinces to show off the riches of his glorious kingdom
and the honor of his excellent majesty's many days of being King. The feast
lasted not one day, not two days, but seven days. It is on the morning of
the seventh day, that we begin our story...
Open on: ROYAL BEDROOM SUITE of KING AHASHUERUS
Servants scurry in and out the room asking the king for his royal stamp on
preparations for the final evening of the big event. KING AHASHUERUS sits in
a big chair wrapped in a terry cloth robe, getting a pedicure, while reading
one of his own royal edicts on a scroll, delighted with his own words. A
half empty bottle of top quality liquor sits on the table next to him.
KING AHASHUERUS: God, I'm good. (realizes what he's said and looks up to
the heavens.) Not better than you...(looks back down at his scroll,
savoring the words.) But I'm good.
A MANSERVANT comes to show the King several outfits to consider wearing for
the big evening. He holds up a ruffled outfit that's a little less than
dignified.
KING AHASHUERUS: No, no, no. Do I look like some pansy version of Orlando
Bloom to you? I am King. This is my third anniversary of being King, and I
will look like a King at my own party.
SERVANT: OK, Armani it is then. (mumbles under breath as he exits)
Orlando Bloom....is he kidding?
KING AHASHUERUS: What was that you said?
SERVANT: Party on, dude. I mean. King. Dude. (he rushes out)
KING AHASHUERUS calls in one of his royal advisors, MEMUCAN
KING AHASHUERUS: Remind me to lock up the royal liquor cabinet. I think the
servants have been enjoying the royal wine with a little too much abundance.
Where is Queen Vashti?
MEMUCAN Still in her chambers, your Highness.
KING AHASHUERUS: Bid her to come here.
MEMUCAN (nervous) She still refuses to speak to you, Sire.
KING AHASHUERUS: Well there's a change. (Pours himself another shot of
whisky and downs it in one swig) Usually can't shut her up. Normally, I'd
be thrilled. But not tonight. Tell her I expect her to be there, just I
told her. The Princes are not coming just for food and drink. They expect
a hot chick and some dancing, and that's exactly what they're going to get.
BLACKOUT. LIGHTS COME UP ON KING AHASHUERUS sitting around a ROYAL
BANQUET TABLE surrounded by the SEVEN PRINCES OF PERSIA, all of whom are
looking fairly drunk and kind of bored. All have shot glasses and are
holding them in the air for the King's Toast.
KING AHASHUERUS: A toast! That's what she is....toast!
PRINCE #4 elbows PRINCE #5,
PRINCE #4: (whispers) I thought you said there were going to be hot chicks.
PRINCE #5: Shut up!
PRINCE #4: This is lame.
KING AHASHUERAS suddenly slumps over the table, looking like he's passed out
from too much alcohol.
PRINCE #3 (starts to get up) Uh, if your Lord would be so kind to excuse
me, I think...
KING AHASHUERUS suddenly perks up.
KING AHASHUERUS: Memucan!
MEMUCAN comes rushing over.
KING AHASHUERUS: We're beyond Relationship Rescue here, Memucan. What shall
we do unto the Queen Vashti according to law?
MEMUCAN: If it please the king, let there go a royal commandment from him,
and let it be written among the laws of the Persians and the Medes,that
Queen Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus; and let the king give her
royal estate unto another that is better than she.
KING AHASHUERUS: That's getting real, Memucan. I like that. Get me the
royal scribe.
MEMUCAN runs out and second later, ROYAL SCRIBE comes rushing over.
KING AHASHUERUS: Take this down. And make sure you have an extra copy to
send over to Queen Vashti. (begins dictating.) Vashti, I'm sorry to have to
say this. But (does the Donald Trump hand signal) You're Fired.
PRINCE #4: (low voice) This definitely means no chicks, huh.
KING OVERHEARS HIM.
KING AHASHUERUS: Who needs chicks?! I'm gonna find me a Swan. Memucan!
MEMUCAN rushes over.
KING AHASHUERUS Tell Haman I want him to organize a Royal Beauty Contest.
All the fairest women in the kingdom. One Palace. One Night. Whoever
wins, will be my new Queen.
PRINCE #4: (delighted) Now we're talkin'!
BLACKOUT
NARRRATOR Now in Shushan the palace there was a certain Jew, whose name was
Mordecai, who had been carried away from Jerusalem as part of the Babylonian
captivity. And he brought up Hadassah, that is, Esther, his uncle's
daughter: for she had neither father nor mother alive to care for her, and
the maid Esther was indeed fair and beautiful. So it came to pass, when the
king's commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were
gathered together unto Shushan the palace, that Esther was brought also unto
the king's house. Only Esther had not showed her people nor her kindred:
for Mordecai had charged her that she should not show it.
A STREAM OF LOVELY WOMEN WALK ACROSS THE STAGE
NARRATOR (CONT) Now when the turn came for each maiden to go in to King
Ahasuerus, she was given whatever she desired to take with her from the
harem to the king's palace. (KING AHAHUERUS takes a seat on his throne in
the background, along with a table of 3 judges, 2 men and one woman, set off
to the side) Once seen, each woman did not go in to the king again, unless
the king delighted in her and she was summoned by name. One by one, each
girl was rejected for being too demanding and quite frankly, reminding the
king just a little too much of his psycho ex-wife, Queen Vashti.
HAMAN presents PRINCESS HARENI, another would-be Queen, to KING AHAHUERUS.
PRINCESS HARENI just stands there with a dumb look on her face, her Versace
gown draped in every jewel imaginable, then giggles.
KING AHASHUERUS looks over to the group of judges.
KING AHASHUERUS: Randy?
JUDGE #1: I'm just not feeling it, dawg. (looks to Judge 2) Paula?
JUDGE #2: I think she has a really nice manicure.
Judge #3 rolls his eyes.
JUDGE #3 Oh, you would say that Paula.
KING AHAHUERUS: Simon, what about you?
JUDGE #3 I think we're here to find the Shushanian BRIDAL. Not some chick
who's good for a weekend. Hey, (to the girl) you can give me your number
afterwards.
PRINCESS HARENI I got Botox for this?
HAMAN: (to girl) Just ignore Simon. (to the King) If you want to vote for
Princess Hareni to be Queen, just text message your vote to BRIDAL 03.
That's BRIDAL 03. Voting lines will open at the end of the show and remain
open until 12 AM standard royal time.
HAMAN escorts PRINCESS HARENI off the stage.
NARRATOR: When the turn came for Esther to go in to the king, she asked for
nothing except what Hegai, the king's eunuch, who had charge of the women,
advised. This immediately made her the Royal Staff favorite. And when
Esther was taken to King Ahasuerus into his royal palace, the king loved
Esther more than all the other women he had seen.
Esther enters, wearing a simple designer dress, a real natural beauty. KING
AHASHUERUS looks very pleased, then signals to HAMAN. She's the one. HAMAN
hands the king a crown.
NARRATOR: Therefore, ignoring the rules of text messaging, which you can do
if you are King, KING AHASHUERUS set the royal crown on Esther's head and
made her queen instead of Vashti. (KING AHASHUERUS does this in the
background as the NARRATOR speaks)
LIGHTS DIM
NARRATOR: Once again, the King decided to have a party to celebrate his
royal wedding. So the king gave a great banquet to all his princes and
servants in honor of the new Queen Esther. He also granted a remission of
taxes to the provinces, and gave gifts with royal liberality. But as happy
as he was, little did he realize this was perhaps the best decision he had
ever made.
LIGHTS UP. Mordecai sits on the palace stoop, obviously hearing as 2
Palace Guards have what they think is a private conversation.
NARRATOR: Because during the whole beauty contest thing, Esther's Uncle
Mordecai, who was sitting at the king's gate, waiting to see how things
turned out for Esther, overheard two of the Kings guards plotting against
King Ahasuerus.
ESTHER comes out to see MORDECAI. He is elated to see the crown on her
head. He hugs her and rejoices, then turns visibly serious as he whispers
in her ear.
NARRATOR: Once Esther came out, and he knew her to be the new Queen,
Mordecai quickly relayed this information to the new Queen Esther, and
Esther told the king about the plot, in the name of Mordecai. (LIGHTS DIM)
When the affair was investigated and found to be so, the men were both
hanged on the gallows. And it was recorded in the Book of the Chronicles in
the presence of the king. (LIGHTS UP)
THRONE ROOM OF KING AHASHUERUS
MORDECAI stands in front of KING AHASHUERUS, who is sitting on his throne,
HAMAN stands at the King's side, while members of the court and servants are
gathered in audience.
KING AHASHUERUS: (to Mordecai) You're the bomb, man. I won't forget it.
MORDECAI: My pleasure, your Majesty.
MORDECAI smiles, gives the King a slight nod.
KING AHASHUERUS: Haman, your turn. Come before me.
HAMAN does as the King requests. MORDECAI steps back to make room for
Haman.
KING AHASHUERUS (to Haman): You sir, know how to run one bodacious beauty
contest. Props, man. Serious props. You're the kind of guy that gets
ratings, if you know what I mean. The kind of guy you want leading your
team. So I'm giving you a long-term contract. How about that promotion
you've been asking for...consider it done. You're officially a Prince among
Princes now.
HAMAN: Thank you, My Lord.
As HAMAN turns and walks through the crowd, Princes and servants alike bow.
He eats up all the attention.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
Two servants have a conversation in front of KING AHASHUERUS'S PALACE.
SERVANT #1: Wasn't that kind of weird?
SERVANT #2: Well, I heard that Bertha told Naruja who told my cousin Rotha
that Mordecai is one of those Jews.
SERVANT #1: But he's the King. You don't not bow before the king. Even
Princes bow before the King.
HAMAN walks in front of the palace.
SERVANT #2: I don't know. I think the Jews have all kind of strange rules
and regulations.
HAMAN's ears perk at the mention of the word "Jew". As he passes the two
servants, they bow in reverence. Suddenly, MORDECAI is in his path.
Literally, as the two of them bump into each other. HAMAN is knocked to the
ground as MORDECAI remains on his feet. The two servants bear witness to
their exchange. MORDECAI offers Haman his arm to help him to his feet.
MORDECAI: So sorry about that Haman. My mind must have been elsewhere.
Haman (furious): Really.
MORDECAI: Yeah, I don't what's with me. I'm sorry. I gotta go.
He takes off down the path.
SERVANT #2: (low voice, to other servant) You see...I don't think they bow
for anyone. Only their God.
Haman reacts. He has heard this comment, and doesn't like it one bit.
SERVANT #1: Oh, crap. I left the parsnips in the oven. They're probably
burnt to a crisp right now.
SERVANT #2: Wait!! (runs after SERVANT #1)
Haman, now left to himself in the courtyard, begins to fume.
Haman: Oh, yeah, Mordecai. You've gotta go, alright.
BLACKOUT
NARRATOR: Now when Haman saw that Mordecai did not bow down or do obeisance
to him, Haman was filled with fury. But he disdained to lay hands on
Mordecai alone. Didn't want to look bad. So, instead, Haman sought to
destroy all the Jews, the people of Mordecai, throughout the whole kingdom
of Ahasuerus.
LIGHTS UP
THE ROYAL SAUNA
HAMAN and KING AHASHUERUS are wrapped in towels.
HAMAN: You know, your Majesty... There is a certain people scattered abroad
and dispersed among the peoples in all the provinces of your kingdom; their
laws are different from those of every other people,.
KING AHASHUERUS: Hey, if everyone looked and acted the same, the world
would be just one giant network sitcom.
HAMAN: It's not just being different, your Highness. These people do not
keep the king's laws, so that it is not for the king's profit to tolerate
them.
KING AHASHUERUS: Well, you have a point there.
HAMAN: If it please the king, let it be decreed that they be destroyed, and
I will pay ten thousand talents of silver into the hands of those who have
charge of the king's business, that they may put it into the king's
treasuries.
KING AHASHUERUS: You know what, Haman? You want this to be your pet
project. I'm good with it. Do whatever you want. If they don't want to be
my peeps, they can go live somewhere else.
The King takes his signet ring from his hand and gives it to Haman.
BLACKOUT
Narrator: So, according to Haman's wishes, and with the King's approval,
etters were sent by couriers to all the king's provinces, to destroy, to
slay, and to annihilate all Jews, young and old, women and children, in one
day, the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar,
and to plunder their goods.
LIGHT COME UP HALFWAY
Mordecai kneels, dressed in only a sackcloth with ashes, looking up to the
heavens, his arms outstretched, and he cries a loud and a bitter cry
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
Mordecai, still in sackcloth and looking ragged wanders the streets in front
of KING AHASHUERUS's PALACE. ESTHER's CHAMBERMAID comes out to him,
carrying a package.
CHAMBERMAID Queen Esther insists you accept these. If the What Not to Wear
Girls got a hold of you, you'd be in big trouble, let me tell you.
MORDECAI: It doesn't matter what I wera, I still am who I am. Deliver this
message to your Queen: Think not with thyself that thou shalt escape in the
king's house, more than anyone else. I have showed her the decree that went
out by his own hand. She must go into him to make supplication unto him, and
to make request before him for her people.
CHAMBERMAID: She bid me tell you this. All the king's servants, and the
people of the king's provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or
woman, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called,
there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king
shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live. And the Queen has not
been called to come in unto the king these thirty days. However, she says
she is willing to risk her very life to save her people, and asks that you
all gather together, and pray for her, as we all as well. She's a much
better boss than the last one, you know.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
NARRATOR: Now luckily for Esther, the golden Sceptre found its way to her.
So she was able to invite the King and Haman to a two-day banquet, thinking
that a King plied with a little liquor could only be a good thing for her
cause. Unfortunately for the Queen, Haman was one of those guys who makes a
nasty drunk. So while Esther was making preparations for the second day of
festivities, Haman was building the gallows on which he planned to hang
Esther's favorite, if fashion-challenged, uncle. Next time Haman was to
speak unto the king, he would ask to hang Mordecai on the gallows that he
had prepared for him. But even the best laid plans can change in an
instant...and, well...you'll see what happened...
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP-VERY DIM- THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
KING AHASHUERUS is in bed, tossing and turning. ESTHER lies next to him.
First his arm flops over and hits her in the face. Then he rolls back to
his side of the bed. Then he flips over onto his back, and starts to snore,
louder, and louder and louder until finally he is so loud, he wakes himself
up with a jolt, sitting upright in his bed.
KING AHASHUERUS: What was that! (looks over to Esther) Are you asleep?
I'm not keeping you up, am I?
ESTHER (sarcastic): Whatever would make you think that?
KING AHASHUERUS: This is useless. I can't sleep. (turns on the LIGHT)
ESTHER (rolls over): Here, watch me. I'll show you how. (turns off the
LIGHT--BLACKOUT)
A few seconds pass.
KING AHASHUERUS: Esther?
ESTHER (now exhausted): Yes, My King.
KING AHASHUERUS: I've been thinking. Your guy Mordecai saved my life. I
put that one into my daily Gratitude Journal Scroll, but I didn't really do
anything to show him how much I appreciated that. Keep thinking...what
would Oprah do? What do you think?
Esther is fast asleep. KING AHASHUERUS looks at her, asleep, and lightly
touches her face, smiling. He lays back down on his side of the bed.
KING AHASHUERUS (to himself as he drifts off to sleep: It IS good to be the
King
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
HAMAN sits at a desk taking notes, as KING AHASHUERUS lies on an adjascent
sofa, the scene looking much like a patient session in a psychiatrist's
office.
KING AHASHUERUS: So....you tell me, Haman. What shall be done unto the man
whom the king delighteth to honour?
HAMAN (blushing): Well, King A, really, just even knowing that one with
such esteem as yourself wants to do a humble man such honor is more than
enough.
KING AHASHUERUS: No really, tell me. I really want to know what you think.
You're very important to me, you know. C'mon. Give me your best pitch.
HAMAN (starting to think the King might be talking about him): What to do
for the man whom the king delighteth to honour?...Hmmm (thinks about it) Let
the royal apparel be brought which the king useth to wear...
KING AHASHUERUS (excitedly) Good idea.
HAMAN:...especially that, uh, Armani. It's got the fit.
He runs his hand down his body as if feeling himself it the suit....breaks
out of it.
KING AHASHUERUS: And? What else:
HAMAN (now CERTAIN the King is talking about him): And.. Charley.
KING AHASHUERUS: The horse?
HAMAN: Yes. (starting to sell his vision) Let you main man ride that horse
that the king rideth upon--through the city...
KING AHASHUERUS: I love it!
HAMAN (now totally carried away) And wearing the crown royal which is set
upon his Majesty's head. King for a Day! Let the king's most noble princes,
array the man whom the king delighteth to honour, and bring him on horseback
through the street of the city, and proclaim before him his own greatness.
Thus shall it be done to the man whom the king delighteth to honour.
KING AHASHUERUS: that's perfect. Let it be done! And you--you're going to
be in charge.
HAMAN: What?
KING AHASHUERUS: Everything you said. I want it all. Mordecai saved my
life. It's the very least I can do. Don't you think.
KING AHASHUERUS sucker punches Haman in the arm, and exits the room.
HAMAN, stunned, is speechless.
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
Narrator: So, yeah, Mordecai got the horse, the clothes, the crown, and
yeah, Haman got even more pissed off. But tonight his presence was expected
at the Queen's Banquet. He was going to solve his dilemma once as for all,
as soon as he could get the King's ear alone. But Mordecai was on the kind
of streak that Vegas hustlers could only dream of, and it was Esther who got
there first. With everyone right there to see it all unfold before them...
KING AHASHUERUS: You know, hon. You throw one heck of a banquet. What is
your petition, Queen Esther? It shall be granted you. And what is your
request? Even to the half of my kingdom, it shall be fulfilled."
QUEEN: If I have found favor in your sight, O king, and if it please the
king, let my life be given me at my petition, and my people at my request.
For we are sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be slain, and to be
annihilated.
KING AHASHUERUS: What do you mean?
QUEEN: I am a Jew.
KING AHASHUERUS: You? A Jew?
The Queen nods.
KING AHASHUERUS: A Jew.
A servant runs over with a tissue.
SERVANT #4 Bless you, sire.
The KING glares at SERVANT #4, who catches the vibe he's being slung, and
backs off.
KING AHASHUERUS: A Jew. (thinks) What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
ESTHER (plaintive whine, manipulative) Daddy?
KING AHASHUERUS (starts to sing Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song) Put on your
yarmulke---
ESTHER (singing back): Here comes Hanukkah!
KING AHASHUERUS: Christmas Eve. What do you do?
ESTHER: Hello? Chinese.
KING AHASHUERUS: Yup. Jewish. I thought the Jews didn't like me (looks at
her intently.) But you're just a total babe. I can't say no to you. If
you're a Jew, then oh, I think...Jews are hot. Who is he, and where is he,
that durst presume in his heart to do such harm to my fair maiden's heart.
ESTHER: The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. He's been jealous of
the attention you've given my Uncle all along. And even now, has built a
gallows just to hang him before the night is complete.
KING AHASHUERUS: Haman! That's a real shame-in. I was growing to like you
bud, but if it's between you and the chick...? Sorry dude, but you gotta
know who's gonna come out on top. She's a goddess. And a great dancer.
Circles around Vashti, if you get my drift?
HAMAN: You're just going to hang me out to dry? Just like that?
The King extends his hand to Haman. Haman thinks he has a shot at
forgiveness but once his arm is in reach, the King grabs his arm and with
his other arm, takes his SIGNET ring off of Haman's finger.
KING AHASHUERUS:(laughs) Now there's a little gallows humor. (motions to
guards) Take him away, boys. Anything else you want my dear?
ESTHER: Well...not really. Although... a weekend in the chateau wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world.
KING AHASHUERUS: Really? I didn't know you liked the chateau. Funny, I
almost gave that to Haman. He insisted it would be the perfect place to hold
official dinners abroad. But uh...don't think he'll be needing it now.
Done. And Mordecai. (motions him over) I want you to have this.
The King hands Mordecai his SIGNET ring.
KING AHASHUERUS: You may write as you please with regard to the Jews, in the
name of the king, and seal it with the king's ring; for an edict written in
the name of the king and sealed with the king's ring cannot be revoked. And
I want you to go our as my representative to your people, in royal robes of
blue and white, with a great golden crown and a mantle of fine linen and
purple and bring light and gladness and joy and honor just like your little
girl brought to me. Let the Jews defend themselves throughout Persia against
those who would follow a different decree. And you know what, in honor of
Esther's flair for entertaining, decree there should be a feast and a
holiday, celebrated with the giving of gifts. What should we call it?
Hamen's lot. No, sounds too Stephen King. Poor Haman. Poooor Hay-man.
Puramin. (looks to Esther) Puramin. How's that working for you?
ESTHER: How about just Purim.
KING AHASHUERUS: Purim. Purim. I like that. Rolls off the tongue.
Pu-rim. How about Purim?
ESTHER (Paris & Nicole voice): That's so hot.
KING AHASHUERUS: OH it is SO good to be the King.
He puts his arms around Esther and together, they exit, as everyone else
starts drinking wine. MUSIC comes up loud. It's one big party!
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