LIGHTS UP
Aert de Gelder
Dutch, about 1680s
Oil on canvas
Getty Museum
KING AHASHUERUS sits around a ROYAL BANQUET TABLE surrounded by the SEVEN PRINCES OF PERSIA, who look fairly drunk and kind of bored. All have shot glasses and are holding them in the air for the King's Toast.
KING AHASHUERUS: A toast! That's what she is....toast!
PRINCE #4 elbows PRINCE #5,
PRINCE #4: (whispers) I thought you said there were going to be hot chicks.
PRINCE #5: Shut up!
PRINCE #4: This is lame.
KING AHASHUERAS suddenly slumps over the table, looking like he's passed out
from too much alcohol.
PRINCE #3 (starts to get up) Uh, if your Lord would be so kind to excuse
me, I think...
KING AHASHUERUS suddenly perks up.
KING AHASHUERUS: Memucan!
MEMUCAN comes rushing over.
KING AHASHUERUS: We're beyond Relationship Rescue here, Memucan. What shall
we do unto the Queen Vashti according to law?
MEMUCAN: If it please the king, let there go a royal commandment from him,
and let it be written among the laws of the Persians and the Medes,that
Queen Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus; and let the king give her
royal estate unto another that is better than she.
KING AHASHUERUS: That's getting real, Memucan. I like that. Get me the
royal scribe.
MEMUCAN runs out and second later, ROYAL SCRIBE comes rushing over.
KING AHASHUERUS: Take this down. And make sure you have an extra copy to
send over to Queen Vashti. (begins dictating.) Vashti, I'm sorry to have to
say this. But (does the Donald Trump hand signal) You're Fired.
PRINCE #4: (low voice) This definitely means no chicks, huh.
KING OVERHEARS HIM.
KING AHASHUERUS: Who needs chicks?! I'm gonna find me a Swan. Memucan!
MEMUCAN rushes over.
KING AHASHUERUS Tell Haman I want him to organize a Royal Beauty Contest.
All the fairest women in the kingdom. One Palace. One Night. Whoever
wins, will be my new Queen.
PRINCE #4: (delighted) Now we're talkin'!
BLACKOUT
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